this is going to sound so emo overall, but i've never felt this way before. my head hurts thinking about him. i've cleaned my life out of him. every picture, every memory, every keepsake. it's all gone. everything happened so fast that it felt surreal and removing him from my life was all i could think to do. i thought he was it for me, for the first time in my life with a boy, all i saw was all the potential excitement down the road. it's nice to find out over a year later that clearly we weren't on the same page and everything he said was a lie.
i honestly don't know what happened. i just had to end it. it was one of those go-with-your-gut feelings cause you knew that in the long run it was the right thing to do, but it wasn't what i wanted to do. i didn't want to let him go, but he let me. just like that. i wanted to fix it but he didn't fight, he didn't argue, he simply said that he is who he is and if i don't want to be with him he's not gonna force me too. but that wasn't the point, all i ever wanted was him. i've never in my entire life felt like that for anyone, ever, and i've had my fair share of long-term boyfriends. i never tried to change him i just wanted to be met halfway on the simplest of things. he had changed so suddenly. but he just didn't care. this feeling of insignificance from someone who made me feel so fucking amazing for over a year is what twists my stomach when i think about it.
at first, i was upset but it's turned into anger lately. fuck you. fuck you for showing me what an amazing person you can be but pulling it out from under me without warning. fuck you for not realizing that we are literally everything each other is looking for and got along so well. fuck you for disregarding me so easily and not even trying to fight for me. fuck you for not wanting to compromise on anything and being a selfish asshole. fuck you for blaming all of your issues on your childhood and your job and having all these cop-out excuses (no pun intended). fuck you for texting me you miss me 2 months later when i'm trying to heal. fuck you for making me so closed off to anyone who's come into my life lately because i keep comparing them to you and the perfection that i had before. just fuck you. seriously.
i've never felt so lost and upset and hurt in my entire life and i don't know which way is up. i keep distracting myself, which works because i have a great social life to fall back on, but this is just a pain that feels too big.
i had "the feeling" for the first time about someone and i've lost trust in it. i feel like i had that fairytale that people talk about and it's all over now. i feel like i won't ever have that feeling again for someone and if i do, i'm terrified of letting it in because who's to say that one won't just go south too. it's the most emo thing in the world but my brain is a mess these days. i just wish it never ended. i wish he never changed. i wish i could be with him before he turned into such an ignorant prick and i guess the worst part is i have no answers to anything. i don't know why he changed. i don't know why i was so easy to let go of. i don't know how he's feeling or if he even gave a shit that i walked away. i just have these open ended thoughts and all i can do is keep my distance from him and everything mutual we have now. it's not easy. it sucks.
i just want to fast forward to the whole "remember when that break up sucked" part in my life where these are all just memories and it doesn't hurt anymore and i can see what i learned from all of of this. cause at the end of the day, that's all this shit is. a learning experience. we date people along the way to realize more about what we want in another person and in ourselves. i know i don't deserve someone who would just let me walk away, i'm way more special than that and someone should want to fight for me to be with me.
but i give myself the biggest fucking pat on the back and that's what keeps me sane. i am so proud of myself for getting out and not settling. for realizing that i deserve better and for letting him let me go. as much as it hurts now, i'm way more confident than that and i just keep reminding myself that i can do this. that one day i'll look back and he will just be another story like the rest of them.