lostwitout_you

my grandad passed away about an hour ago.

its such a weird feeling. when my grandma died last year it was the biggest shock ever and i was a complete mess, yet we all saw this coming the past few weeks. i know all he wanted since she died was to be with her and it's hard being so sad yet relieved that he's finally at peace.

last year he had been in the veryyyy early stages of dimensia, it was nothing too bad, he'd just be a little confused sometimes but nothing that i noticed anyway. but once my grandma died it's been all downhill from there.

the dimensia got worse and he was diagnosed with clinical depression. we couldn't take care of him, but we found a beautiful retirement home. the last time i saw him was in july when i went to visit there. a few weeks after i saw him it had just kept getting worse.

he began to forget how to do basic things. he was diagnosed with louis-body demensia which is the worst possible kind you can have. instead of being in a "happy place" like most people with the disease, he was constantly living in fear; having hallucinations so real that his heart-rate and blood pressure spiked.

he would think people were coming to kill him, or bombs were going off, and doctors had to medicate him so heavily to get rid of the visions. they said they are so real to him he could have had a heart attack.

anyway, that was basically when we knew it was the end.

the home called us yesterday and said he didnt have much time left. me and my brother stayed home because i didnt want my last memory of him being anything but what it was in the summer, when we could have conversations and he knew who i was and he was happy and as close to my grandad as i could get.

i guess even though technically he's been gone for weeks, death feels so final.

the only thing that i do know is that as shitty as we feel and as sad as it is, my whole family is relieved that he's finally at peace. there was no quality of life for him the past few months and no one deserves that. all i do know is that he's with her and that's all he's ever wanted.

RIP Grandad, love and miss you always. <3

every year my dad, who never in his life was a christmas person and could care less really about the holiday, makes me go out on christmas EVE to buy my mom something. and not in a cute, "i have something planned" way, no. the "shit.......i hafta find something" way. and it's really annoying. and since i never had any money really, she'd get a few bits here and there but never anything she reeeally wanted.

so. since i've been working like crazy the past month, i spoiled her sooo muchhh. JUST for my mom, i got her 2 candles, an ornament, a vera bradley wallet, purse, makeup-bag and hair straightener bag, a new toaster oven (random i know, haha) and a freakin laptop.

to make my dad feel better im going to tell him to give me $400 for the laptop and we're even. i'm making him sound bad, but he's just nottt a christmas person, haha. we've all accepted him. :)

i also got my other fam awesome things too and i just finished wrapping them and i am just so excited to give everyone their gifts! christmas needs to come sooner!

thanksgiving was awesomeeeee. i love my family so much. my cousin and i stayed up talking til 5am. i was drunk so i then made her drive me to get coffee and go to staples for the crazy black friday sales, then we passed out at like 7am. good times.

2009 is almost over and it's absolutely ridiculous. in one year i've had my last semester of college, an internship, staples, two cruises, a bunch of road trips to PA and CT, a new freakin job in my major, i just feel like i got so much accomplished and i'm sad to see it go. I hope i have this luck next year too haha :)

so I've officially done 2 weeks at my job so far. it feels like so much longer.

i love it. i love that i go to work everyday and i'm not mad about it. i love designing for real clients and taking appointment calls, and making logos, and putting together websites. i love having my own email and phone extention and desk and computer and passwords and i just feel so professional. This is my first job that's not in retail, and now i know why i chose to do this as my career.

in 2 weeks i've already made an entire booklet, 2 banners, and web site graphics for the new launch that happened my first week there. i've already designed 3 logos for different firms. i've already made 3 websites that will be live in the next 2 weeks. i've been on conference calls with people from nebraska and texas and michigan to take them on board and start designs for them. if this is just in two weeks I can get used to it.

there are a few things i'm not happy with and that is the pay, i deserve more money, but my logic is that this is a shit load of experience for me that my resume is in dire need of. i've never been a money hungry person in general either, so it's not a big deal for now.

i'm just so happy. the amount that i've learned in 2 weeks is ridiculous and it's just going to get better from here.

AND i designed an entire sectional for a convention in the Javits Center in the city, I did all the banners that are like 8 feet high, all the flyers, all the promotional signage, and it's all my design, and on Nov 9th i'm going in too see how everything worked out and I just feel so accomplished these days. i always questioned my confidence as a designer but the last month has really changed everything.

halloween is today & me and the bf are being batman and robin cause we're lame and corny :) i can't wait for tonight and i'm just happy about lotsa things these days :)

so i joined this site for artists, and put up my portfolio and updated resume. then THREE days later I got an interview from a guy who saw it! THEN i went on the interview...then got a 2nd one....then was offered the job! and all of this happened in a week! what the!

it's for a small design company in manhasset, and i'll be designing websites and print layouts for law firms. it's a 9-5 monday thru friday and it starts in a few weeks whenever i can figure out when i can leave staples!

it's so exciting and happened soo fasttt! literally a few weeks ago i was miserable and felt like i was going nowhere and everything fell into place.

i'm in as a junior designer, so my pay is only a dollar more than staples, but i'll be doing revisions to start out before i can work my way up to dealing with clientelle. i'm really happy about that though cause i want to learn as much as i can so that if i have a client i will feel like i know what i'm doing haha.

i'll probably keep staples 2 nights a week if i can, but i don't want to get too overwhelmed because i also still have all the freelance work on the side that i've been working on too.

wow, idk how to explain this feeling. life went to sucking to basically me getting everything i've been looking for all in a matter of two weeks! i guess being productive really pays off. i just hope i like it. change freaks me out a little and i'm super nervous, but we'll see what happens.

yay!

i got my first freelance job! I've been working with a guy with a small company who needed a hand making labels and logos. i've done two so far & he said theres more to come :) I just made myself a personalized invoice that I have to email him whenever I do these jobs and thennn i gettt paiddd yayyy its so exciting.

it's really bringing up my confidence and making me feel like a real designer. my portfolio has gotten so much better since i've had more things to work on, and i'm only missing a few more specific pieces and I think i'll have enough to show when it comes to getting a real job.

I know it's not a solid job but money is money, and i'm pumped to have the experience. he knows about printing, and color schemes, and works with people from small local companies to jewelers and people in NYC so i really hope he keeps using me for work! yay!

i havent been feeling good about random things at all lately. theres so many dumb things i can't seem to stop thinking about. one is the fact that i'm not going back to school for the first time in my life, and its soooo weird...to not be moving in anywhere or starting classes or going school shopping etc. its just sooo weird. and then from that comes staples. i'm still there. i haven't moved ahead in my degree whatsoever, and i've been procrastinating soo much. i should be making business cards, i should be fixing my portfolio, i should be on websites and newspapers every day just trying to find ANY job that will take me just for the experience. i don't want to wait so long that i end up just not using my degree or just ending up at staples for the next few years. ughhh!

then theres shit with my friends slash boyfriend. i just feel like lately i've been revolving my life around my boyfriend so much that its just becoming ridiculous. we don't even do anything and thats the sad part, we just bullshit and sit around and just...idk. i don't wna say that things are getting routine or boring but i've just been getting really nostalgic on how things used to be and i miss them so much. i miss the spontaniety in my life of not knowing where i was gna go out or who i would see or run into, or what time i'd get home. i miss high school and how close my friends were and how we were attached 24/7. i hate that everyone is slowly moving on in life but staying the same and i feel that i need to take advantage of the fact that i don't have as much responsibility that i am going to have in the future so i should enjoy myself. im 22 fucking years old, things shouldn't be this way they should be sooo muchhh easier and i should just be doing whatever the hell comes along.

i feel like my life is so controlled and laid back that i'm just getting tired of it. i feel like i need a reason to go out and i just want the reason to be the fact that i just fucking WANT too. i feel like i'm not getting what i want these days, and it's been a juggling act trying to please so many people and at the end of the day i am doing a really shitty job of pleasing myself.

i am super emo these days its retarded.

so the job search is going pretty shitty. there are barely any jobs that i can find, and the ones that i send my shit to don't even respond. i've sent it out to family friends who are in different companies but all i've gotten from them are "oh, your resume is in HR, we'll get back to you." akaaa you're trying to make it sound better that i have no chance. plus, most of the jobs are for either senior designers, web (which i hate & dont know at all) or people with at least 1-2 years experience. how am i supposed to get experience at all if no one will hire someone who is out of college and has a brain to learn? just cause on paper i've only had an internship doesn't mean i'm clueless. Idk i just want to get a chance somewhere. this online-searching hasn't been working too well so im gna try newspapers and just talk to as many people as i can. i need to get out of staplesssssss its horrible, and i just want to feel like a big girl and actually do somethinggg with my degree. ugh so dumb.

everytime i've had a boyfriend, theres always fights. i mean, it's inevitable. but there was always reasons behind the other ones; be it insecurity, jealousy, control issues, unfortunately in one case, drugs & addiction problems...there were always things that were really big deals that couldn't really be ignored.

i'd rather KNOW why arguments happen for reasons above, rather than just absolute nonsense. it's gotten to the point where if i say the wrong thing the wrong way it turns into an entire night of bullshit.

it makes me realize that im so proud of myself for being such a strong person. I never put up with the boys from the past because i knew that i didn't deserve to be treated that way. it may have taken me a few months or two years haha but i still did, and i still knew when to let myself detatch from the relationship for my own good.

it also makes me realize that this time around? i'm gonna see what happens. i'm not going to decide to settle if this is the dummmmb shit i have to put up with. like i said, it's NONSENSE, and that's the only word. its nothing that affects our lives at all and shouldn't even be an issue.

i never needed a boy to be happy. i was always the type of girl who loves being in a relationship. i have only had 2 others that were serious, but still. i know that i never needed you before, so why do i need you now? i especially don't need you if you're going to treat me like this but yet be so perfect every other day, it doesn't work like that. it's all or nothing with me. and if you can't give me that? than maybe things aren't going to work out. it takes me time, but no matter how long, i will have no problem dropping you like i did the others.

this is who i am. and i refuse to change for ANYONE. there's plenty of other people out there, and i'm not scared or worried about being with someone or not.

the last thing i ever needed was a boy. i never needed someone to give me security of telling me im pretty and fun and whatever the fuck they say to make u feel good and shit. i never needed the confirmation that i wasn't single or the assurance that someone would always be there for me. hellooo? i'm too confident for that. and not in a "oh i think i'm hott" way, cause beliiiieve me, that's not the case...but i have confidence enough to know that i'm not going to be alone and that i will eventually find someone else. being alone doesn't scare me in the least. sometimes i even miss it.

i get the speech that i'm too stubborn, but you know what? it's not stubbornness, it's common sense.

i'm not going to let you sit there and tell me what to do or how i should feel, or what's right from wrong. cause if that's the case? see you later. i have absolutely no problem with that, even if it does hurt like a bitch.

so time is flying & summer is going to be over in about a month and a half which is freaking me out. it's also scary knowing that i don't have school to go to at the end of it. i've been trying so hard to find a job in my major but not a single company i've talked too is hiring. one employment agency said that she could give me temp-jobs but they are just working in an office typing shit up for people, and i don't know if i'd want to leave Staples & lose my benefits for something that's not even design related.

speaking of my job now, they want to promote me to copy center lead. it's a ton of extra work and i'd have to be there even more than i am now. even though it's more money & more benefits, i don't know if i want to take it. i'm scared that i'll get so overwhelmed and have so many more responsibilities there that it'll be harder for me to leave..and i do nottt want to work there too much longer. i also don't have the confidence that i'd have things running well & i don't know how to delegate and tell people what to do. i guess it'd be a good place to start learning that but i have til tomorrow morning to make the decision and i have no idea what to do.

my best friend is moving to jersey. i'm so upset. it's the cutest place ever & it's only an hour away, right by Giants statium, but still! the thoughts of not being able to just stop by her house is so scary & i'm going to miss her so much. we just spent 2 days moving her stuff in and it's such a reality check that soon we're all going to be doing that.

this is the first time that i've seen how much everyone is growing up. with olivia moving to NJ & working for freaking JP Morgan of all people (i hate her i want a job like that haha) some of my friends are going to med school/grad school, others are finishing up final semesters, another friend of mine is going to florida for 6 months, and i feel like i'm not moving forward at all.

since my grandma died last summer, my parents have had to take care of two houses, ours here & the one in PA, and since money isn't exactly going so well these days, they might be moving up there next august just so they don't have to deal with the prices on Long Island cause they are ridiculous...but that means that I am going to have to have enough money by then to find my own place (cuz u couldn't pay me to move to PA, sorry haha) and thats another thing i'm worried about. i can't imagine my parents not being close to me and NOT having a house in the town i've spent my entire life in.

omg this is so long & dumb theres just so many stupid things and i feel like i have no time to actually enjoy myself anymore. welcome to the real world i guess. :(

OMG IM SO FUCKING SICK.

i have the chills, my throat feels like it's closing in, and my ears feel like they're gonna explode! it hurts soooo bad. I called out of work tonight and tomorrow and took so much medication HOPING something will make it at least feel better by saturday but noooo, of course not. I HATE MY BODY.

ALL I WANTED was this freakin cruise! it's the first trip away alone with my bf and its 5 days in beautiful weather that we are NOT having up here, and its just being ruined and i want to cry.

lsdkfjdsklfjdslfjdkl!!!

wedding last weekend was incredibly fun, opening at work every day this week? not so much.

whatever though, cruise in THREE days! :D fiiinally im sooo excited.

but i feel like i'm coming down with something. SO TYPICAL OF MY BODY nottt even kidding. I reeeeligiously get sick before vacations or ON them. soooo annoying. im gna O-D on vitamin C and pray to god that it just goes away.

and now i think im going to nap.

where the hell is time going?! i can not believe its June already. Me and joan went on the randomest shopping spree yesterday, i went out to buy shoes and ended up spending $200. its nice to have money to spend but at the same time there goes my last paycheck haha

i'm so excited for the wedding this weekend. it's a two day thing and i got the niceeest dress & shoes i'm so excited to get dressy & things.

My cruise is in a week! i can't believe it! i remember booking it and wishing it would come up faster and it's here soo soonnn. i have to pack and shit and i've been procrastinating as usual. typical.

i have work tomorrow open to close at two different stores. that's sooo annyoinggg. i mean, i love the money dont get me wrong but 13 hours is a reallyyyy long dayyy. 8-3 at one store then 4-9 at another. kill me. whatever.

hahah i always date guys that act like bigger girls than i do. it's really gay. stop over-reacting though and take a chill pill.

so since i've graduated, every single person i've talked to has been asking all sorts of questions about what i plan to do now and what i have coming up in the future and i wish they would stop because i have no idea what i'm doing and having to say it out loud doesn't help the situation.

my internship ends this wednesday. i'm kinda happy about it because it's unpaid, but i'm gonna miss all the people there and being in such a professional upscale environment but whatever. it served its purpose i guess.

i have a few connections that I am going to be calling soon about jobs but before i even do that i have to get my entire resume and portfolio put together and thats going to be so much work. i hate being an art student sometimes because everything has to be so designed and artistic and i just want to type up a resume and hand it to people and have that be that.

i have so much coming up too thats making me kinda just pause on this whole real-world thing. between weddings, and concerts, and the cruise in 3 weeks and weekend trips away that are going on this summer, i really just want to stay at staples and have a flexible schedule and keep working with everyone there whose amazing and just pretend that i don't have to grow up and actually find a job in my major. peter pan syndrome what up.

i did extremely well this semester grade wise and i dont know how i pulled it off with everything that was going on the past few months. i didn't get lower than a B+ and got A's in classes that shocked the shit out of me. i'm not going to complain though. it feels nice to finish off college with a 3.4 :)

i really only use this LJ to bitch about stuff, haha but i guess i'm just trying to RELAX for a while and i feel like i deserve it. this was the worst/hardest/busiest semester ever and its time to do what I want to do for a while.

holy shit i'm graduating tomorrow.

the only thing i can use to describe myself these days is burnt out.

i officially have two more actual days of classes of my undergraduate career. it's freaking me out so much. i picked up my cap & gown today and it just gave me this huge reality check that in three weeks i will officially have completed FOUR years of college. whereee the hell did the time go?! it feels like yesterday i was putting on my high school cap & gown. crazy.

i know all i've been doing in here is bitching about the amount of work that i have to do, but now that im SO close to the end of the semester, i reeeeally am catching senioritis. i'm knocking out papers here and there and just trying to get as much over with as i can and its a nice accomplished feeling. i just have to keep it up for a few more weeks and im set.

im really mad at myself that i let my GPA drop so much. i'm still at a 3.4, which is really good, but i had a 3.7 at my old school when i actually took my major seriously and i would have qualified for honors in graduation and i'm really upset that i'm not. whatever though, nothing i can do about it now. with the semester i'm having i'll take ANY grades at this point.

i'm really scared about being done with school but it's also a really exciting feeling. i have no idea what my plans are yet, really, i mean i want to stay at my internship for a few more months before trying to find a real job, but other than that i'm just going to try to RELAX for a month or two and get my life put back together before i start making things crazy again.

it's my birthday in one week. the big 22. ew. its so true, once 21 hits, all other birthdays are kinda like..whatever. i have my internship that day so if its nice out hopefully the boyfriend is going to take me out in the city after :)

the weather was so beautiful this weekend and today and i am so excited that summer is coming up. it's my favorite time ever and i have so many fun things coming up this summer that are making me realize that time is FLYING and is going to keep doing so. seriously, i'm already wondering where the hell 2009 went.

dealing with a bf is sometimes more of a job than staples, my internship, and my 6 classes put together...sldkfjdsklfdjsklfjsklfsdlfs

this weekend 8 of us went to mohegan sun for joan's birthday and it was so much fun. everything was. the drive with all of us in the SUV, the casino, the hotel, the drinks, i even won $200 on wheel of fortune! i've never won before, ever. it was just so great and I'm so mad that i'm home because its back to reality with my fucking ten million things to do for school and work and the internship and no more days off and im really mad. I want to go back :(

senioritis all over again, holy shit.
8 actual classes before finals....wow.



i have a lotttt of work to do.
this needssss to be overrrrrrr alreadyyyy

im babysitting tonight (fri) til monday night and its 3 kids who are amazing. im sleeping over and taking them around all weekend since their parents are in vegas (im so jealous haha) i just finished my final paper for one of my art history classes thats not due til may and now i dont have to worry about it so it feels so freaking good. im going to get so much accomplished for school this weekend being stuck here gives me no distractions and i feel like by monday i'll have a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. im freaking getting $600 for the weekend for doing this too! thats more money than i make in 3 weeks at staples, sadly. its amazing. yay :)

i started the internship on wednesday! it was awesome. i got to design all these products with the art director for the fall collection at neiman marcus and i felt so corporate and grown up. the guy i work with is so nice and typical intern, i have to do random things for everyone throughout the day (i haven't gotten coffee yet though haha) but i love it and life and my countdowns are creeping up so fast and im sooooo excitedddd about everythingggg.

$600 this weekend. joans birthday next weekend & mohegan sun slash hotel with everyone :) easter in pennsylvania with the bf the weekend after that. then two weeks til the LAST DAY of college ever slash my birthday (i think its awesome that my bday is the last day of my senior yearrrr) and then finals and graduation. as quickly as i listed them is how quickly its going to go by, i can't believe it. :)