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Oct. 22nd, 2012

oh how times change.

so i haven't even opened this site in months cause reading the last few posts in here make my brain hurt. and i guess it's time to own up and admit that i am literally physically heartbroken.

this is going to sound so emo overall, but i've never felt this way before. my head hurts thinking about him. i've cleaned my life out of him. every picture, every memory, every keepsake. it's all gone. everything happened so fast that it felt surreal and removing him from my life was all i could think to do. i thought he was it for me, for the first time in my life with a boy, all i saw was all the potential excitement down the road. it's nice to find out over a year later that clearly we weren't on the same page and everything he said was a lie.

i honestly don't know what happened. i just had to end it. it was one of those go-with-your-gut feelings cause you knew that in the long run it was the right thing to do, but it wasn't what i wanted to do. i didn't want to let him go, but he let me. just like that. i wanted to fix it but he didn't fight, he didn't argue, he simply said that he is who he is and if i don't want to be with him he's not gonna force me too. but that wasn't the point, all i ever wanted was him. i've never in my entire life felt like that for anyone, ever, and i've had my fair share of long-term boyfriends. i never tried to change him i just wanted to be met halfway on the simplest of things. he had changed so suddenly. but he just didn't care. this feeling of insignificance from someone who made me feel so fucking amazing for over a year is what twists my stomach when i think about it.

at first, i was upset but it's turned into anger lately. fuck you. fuck you for showing me what an amazing person you can be but pulling it out from under me without warning. fuck you for not realizing that we are literally everything each other is looking for and got along so well. fuck you for disregarding me so easily and not even trying to fight for me. fuck you for not wanting to compromise on anything and being a selfish asshole. fuck you for blaming all of your issues on your childhood and your job and having all these cop-out excuses (no pun intended). fuck you for texting me you miss me 2 months later when i'm trying to heal. fuck you for making me so closed off to anyone who's come into my life lately because i keep comparing them to you and the perfection that i had before. just fuck you. seriously.

i've never felt so lost and upset and hurt in my entire life and i don't know which way is up. i keep distracting myself, which works because i have a great social life to fall back on, but this is just a pain that feels too big.

i had "the feeling" for the first time about someone and i've lost trust in it. i feel like i had that fairytale that people talk about and it's all over now. i feel like i won't ever have that feeling again for someone and if i do, i'm terrified of letting it in because who's to say that one won't just go south too. it's the most emo thing in the world but my brain is a mess these days. i just wish it never ended. i wish he never changed. i wish i could be with him before he turned into such an ignorant prick and i guess the worst part is i have no answers to anything. i don't know why he changed. i don't know why i was so easy to let go of. i don't know how he's feeling or if he even gave a shit that i walked away. i just have these open ended thoughts and all i can do is keep my distance from him and everything mutual we have now. it's not easy. it sucks.

i just want to fast forward to the whole "remember when that break up sucked" part in my life where these are all just memories and it doesn't hurt anymore and i can see what i learned from all of of this. cause at the end of the day, that's all this shit is. a learning experience. we date people along the way to realize more about what we want in another person and in ourselves. i know i don't deserve someone who would just let me walk away, i'm way more special than that and someone should want to fight for me to be with me.

but i give myself the biggest fucking pat on the back and that's what keeps me sane. i am so proud of myself for getting out and not settling. for realizing that i deserve better and for letting him let me go. as much as it hurts now, i'm way more confident than that and i just keep reminding myself that i can do this. that one day i'll look back and he will just be another story like the rest of them.

Aug. 17th, 2012

(no subject)

still stuck in that time when we called it love.

Aug. 1st, 2012

ups and downs.

so it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out how much i hate dating a cop. it is literally the hardest thing ever due to me working days, him working nights. me having weekends off, him having them off every 3 months. his constant overtime that ruins almost all of our plans. him having to miss most parties, holidays, get togethers, dinners, work events. it's exhausting.

it just sucks dating someone that for once, you always want around, always, and can't physically make that happen cause of what's completely out of anyones control. there have been times where i've seen him only once in two weeks. it's so unfair sometimes.

but the whole point of this vent session is the fact that once again he's in one of his ruts where he wants out. he's been looking into some really good options to leave the force and i'm partially pissed at him. he did this once before and got my hopes up and ended up sticking it out as a cop and i had finally accepted it. i had just gotten used to the fact that this is my life and there's nothing i can do about it. if i want him, then i have to deal and make it work.

but now he's getting my hopes up again. he's making me feel like there's hope that i can have a boyfriend with a normal life and normal work hours and who will be way more available and it's making me so excited. it would literally be like starting the relationship over from scratch and i wouldn't know how to deal! (in a good way) and part of me just feels like it's going to be another disappointment.

i could care less what he does. i don't ever judge people on what they do for a living, how much money they make. i mean, not that he wouldn't make good money, it just isn't as secure as obviously the NYPD is, and there wouldn't be a pension. but i know that's what's going to make him hesitate and stay so i don't know why he gets himself all worked up and applies places and makes up these schemes in his head when he is never going to quit at the end of the day.

ugh i just wish his life was easier to deal with and everyone could just work normal work hours like me haha

august... already!?

I can't believe it's august already. spending the first day of it off from work - my first vacation day since early may! james and i went to the best concert ever last night at the paramount, total throwback show! Everclear, Lit, Sugar Ray, Gin Blossoms, Marcy Playground - it was awesome. i knew so many more songs than i thought. I took off today so we could enjoy the night and i wouldn't have to worry about waking up early for work. he had work this afternoon so i'm spending the day lounging. loving this silly little mid-week day off.

so life is kinda messy overall with my family's living situation. we want to downsize and thought it was happening by now but now it's looking closer to mid-august or september and i just want it to happen already so everyone has a bit of a weight lifted financially. plus, we've done so much cleaning and packing it's just kinda like ugh lets get the hell out of this house already.

thinking i was moving by now, i had one last hoorah at my house a few weeks ago. it was a blast! we played beer pong, a bunch of people came, my bro and pat got drunk and played pong with us! so weird how old he's getting. james came after work! it was such a nice surprise. whenever we do leave this house it's going to be the end of an era. so sad.

this month so much is coming up though, the concert last night kicked it off really well. dan's going away party is this weekend in the city with a million of ussss i can't wait. hopefully having a little dinner date with my parents and james' grandparents next week. then my vacationnnnnnnn or should i say "staycation". 10 whole days off in a row to hang with james, see the incubus/linkin park show, and end it with a lovely girls getaway to mystic, ct!

it's gonna be awesome.

Jul. 2nd, 2012

lovelovelove

happiest human being on the entire planet latelyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy <3

Jun. 17th, 2012

change, the good kind.

so much is changing lately that i can't even get over it. the good kind.

a month ago, i feel like i was at the lowest of lows. everything felt like it was falling apart but reflecting on just a simple month span, it is just a whirlwind of things that i have such a great feeling about.

spending the night out with my bf and some of his fam/friends and being introduced as the "future mrs. cullinan" was just the start of everything. like being with him feels so surreal sometimes. it has it's ups and downs as does any relationship, but sometimes i just wanna fast forward life with him cause i am so fucking excited to be with him forever. this is the real thing and i'm ready to take it on.

my boss got fired! the woman who was just so miserable every day always talking shit about people and controlling everything at work and being so negative all the time is gone. it feels surreal. i do feel bad for her because when her mood was good, she wasn't so bad, but overall it is like a weight has been lifted in our department and now i can have my own responsibility without being someone puppet and be recognized for what i'm capable of! it will be a zoo til we get a handle on everything but i'm so excited. i really think it will change things in our department and the moral and my exposure with the executives... i just want to grow and i feel like now i have a chance too!

things have been so peaceful friend-wise too. theres no more drama and i've learned that i'm not going to be able to control peoples judgements or actions and to just let it go. you can't please anyone, just keep the peace and have a good time.

time is flying by and i am just looking forward to summer, and new things at work, and continuing to enjoy my life with james and just be on cloud 320498. it's such a fantastic feeling.

Apr. 16th, 2012

springtime.

i am so excited that so much is coming up to look forward too, but it really just shows you that getting older makes time fucking fly. i live for my weekends and days off and just want them to come faster!

april is only 2 weeks in and it's been fabulous so far. celebrated joan's birthday after work earlier this month and went to dinner at TGIFridays and played some games at dave and busters. we had her real celebration at my house that friday and everyone came by. it was great having everyone together to throw an old fashioned kick back at my house.

easter was pretty uneventful. i kinda hate that holiday, honestly. it's really boring. gave corinne a ride to PA which was great having company in the car. zach lives so close to me which was conveninent. spent the day with the fam, we celebrated Saturday cause everyone had work monday and it was just easier. ended up having so much wine with dee til all hours of the night just chatting and catching up.

this weekend was awesome - tara and i took a roadtrip to maryland to visit greg. he is literally my favorite person on the planet. he lit lives in a frat house hahah but it was fun, reminded me of college. we went out to these awesome bars on the water and just hung out and got to see kelly, it was nice. the drive home was brutal, took us over 6 hours with traffic and to top off the weekend i lost my fucking wallet and trying to get everything back is a nightmare.

heading to see shannon next weekend to try on bridesmaids dresses and things for her wedding. i can't believe i'm the maid of honor, i like don't even know how to handle this haha but i can't wait to see her. joan and i will be roadtrippin it down there on Friday. i have been go go go all month. PA, then maryland, now philly.. then 2 weeks after that AC. my car may explode from driving it all over the country!

james has a birthday surprise for me next week and i can't wait. i'm taking some vacation time during his time off to spend with him and i am like a kid in a candy store waiting for the end of the month to come. we also have his friends wedding coming up so fast too. i'm hoping maybe we can take an overnight trip to mohegan sun one of the days too, the room rates are really cheap during the week and he's never been there. plus, he'll get to spend my birthday with me and will have weekends off in may so i can. not. wait. like i've said before, this whole waiting 3 months for his weekends to come around again is not fun at all, but we always make the best of them when they come around.

devils are in the playoffs and are 1-0 so far, it's so nervewracking. me and my bro are going to the game tomorrow night and i can't wait but i'm so nervous...they need to win. it will be fun regardless though.

i'm ranting again, but

Mar. 30th, 2012

round & round we go.

March has seemed to fly by. actually, every month these days is going so quickly!

had a bunch of eventful weekends. went to brooklyn for meg's birthday with the girls which was a nice change of scenery. went to a party at pete and jimmy's which ended up being a blast, haven't been out with them in quite some time. their house is always fun to party at.

used some vacation time this month before losing my days to bullshit with james on his awesome Monday/Tuesday's-Off schedule lately. one of the days we literally watched 11 straight hours of an law and order marathon in bed it was the laziest most amazing day haha he finally starts having weekends off in a month and his vacation is coming up so i can't wait. this whole weekends-off-every-3-months is not something i think i'll ever get used too.. joys of dating a cop haha whatever he's worth it. :)

saint patrick's day was incredible. the whole weekend was. kicked off friday wearing my cute business-appropriate green outfit to work, had a long lunch with laura shopping at party city for some festive attire for saturday and had everyone over at my house that night just bullshitting.

kicked off the morning by having everyone meet at my house around 10. we started drinking and walked to the train for 11:30. the weather was absolutely beautiful. galavanted around the city, ate SO much pizza, saw some of the parade, went to a few different bars and ended up seeing my counsin petrina!!! she was out in NY for the weekend and it was awesome catching up with her. got the 8pm train home which i slept on, then went out for a 2nd wind bender on tulip and didnt end up getting home until 2am... lets just say my body did not like me sunday morning.

petrina and her new bf came out to long island sunday to see my parents and we went to dinner in malverne using the gift card james got my parents for christmas. it was adorable, they had live irish music and the food was amazing. we just all hung out and caught up and it was so nice having us all together.

after, i was hoping they could meet james, but of course he had to work late, so we ended up getting a drink in RVC and then they took the train back to the city. seeing her just makes me miss my cousins SO much, i wish they lived here more than anything :( 3,000 miles across the atlantic is just too far.

ending the month having to work this saturday, unfortunately, but it's only 4 hours out of my life so i need to stop complaining. so much coming up already! joan and corinne's birthday, easter, heading to maryland to see greg, bridesmaids shopping with shannon & the girls, and ending the month with james' friend's wedding. after that it's ALREADY MAY and again so much is going on, i am literally booked every weekend til June! It's nice having things to look forward too :)

Mar. 22nd, 2012

oye.

i feel like i'm the game of Jenga and everything around me is pulling pieces away from me and i'm trying so fucking hard to stay standing.

Feb. 28th, 2012

Guess this is growing up.

I used to draw.

Its what I always did. All over books, notepads, boxes, empty coffee cups. Sometimes I would even take the time to whip out the canvas and charcoal and go all out, make crazy pictures of my friends. Always challenging myself to see how realistic I could make it.

I don't do that anymore. I don't do anything really anymore.

I don't even know what I want to do, to be honest. The only word I can use lately is that I feel so defeated. So many aspects of my life are such a mess these days and I am so exhausted. Mentally and physically. I don't want to go to work, I sit there and have absolutely no motivation and can't find ways to push myself. It doesn't help when you can't stand your boss and the drama is overwhelming. No one would understand unless you worked in my department, either.

I wish I could feel more positive instead of all this shit bringing me down.

I wish I could funnel these feelings into working out, hell if I did I would be a size 2. Or even drawing. Something creative or productive to get out of this rut. All I want to do is go home, lay down and watch tv and that's what ive been doing.

There's so many things I want to change and I honestly have no fucking clue where to start, because everything feels so heavy and I just want to hide.

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